Dedicated to the memory of Tahirih Ekpe, beloved sister. (1976–2015)
As I run in the woods, I cry.
As I wash the dishes, I cry.
As I dress myself, I cry.
When the phone rings, I cry.
When people speak to me, I cry.
When I look at your beautiful photograph, I cry.
I cry when I lay on your bed.
I cry when I wrap myself in your clothing and smell your sweet scent.
I cry as I sift through the papers and books, looking for some part of your soul, something to hold unto, something I’ve missed.
I cry for how fast time passes.
I cry for time wasted arguing over nothing.
I cry because it hurts deeply.
I cry for the many times I wanted to be there but couldn’t.
I cry as I recall the days we laughed till our bellies hurt.
I cry because it heals me.
I cry for I have loved deeply.
Death is the soul’s life beginning.
An inescapable journey we must all take someday.
My tears are a mixture of sadness, anger, regret, a deep longing to see you just one more time.
And a bit of envy, for your true journey has just begun, one that doesn’t include me.
I am comforted by the thought of the freedom you now feel.
Comforted as I picture you soaring in the realms on high.
Comforted as I imagine the souls of our mother, sister and ancestors engulfing you in light.
Comforted to know that you are unencumbered by the burdens of this fleeting world.
Would I trade the pain I feel?
No, for were it not for the pain, how could I fully appreciate the love we shared and the beauty and blessing that is life.
But still I cry.
For the days I will now have to spend without you.
Oh how I will miss your sweet voice.
The days will pass, the earth will continue to revolve around the sun.
Days will turn into weeks, then months and years.
The tears will be gone.
But ever so often, when I feel the breeze and think of you or smell a certain smell and I am reminded of you, the tears will run again and I will cry.
I will press onward because it will bring joy to your soul.
I will live and cherish every moment of my life for it is what you’d want from me.
I will be bolder because you’ve inspired me.
I will grow stronger because you have imprinted a part of you in my heart.
With every passing day I will rejoice a little more for your journey.
With every passing day I will look forward to our inevitable reunion.
But today, as I lay you down to rest…
I cry for I have loved deeply.